How to develop independence in a child


Many mothers want their baby to stay small as long as possible and need protection and care. So involuntarily manifested maternal love, in the care and care of the helpless and weak. But is it worth striving for the child to grow up without the skill of confronting difficult life situations that sooner or later appear in his way? It doesn’t matter whether we are talking about the ability to dress independently or the ability to repel the offender - the main thing is that the child can do what he really needs at this moment.

What we are going to tell you now can very much help the parents themselves, because it depends on them how the child will grow up. Do not think that the kid himself will be able to develop his abilities, on the contrary: everything that you want to teach him will be completely uninteresting to him. However, this will have to do. So let's get started.

How to teach a child to order

How to develop independence in a child

To her, the child can and should be taught from an early age. Of course, he doesn’t need his toys to lie in a certain place, and not roll around the whole apartment. First of all, it is necessary for the parents themselves, so the child will have to be encouraged, explaining to him how important it is to maintain order. We approach this issue in stages:

  • We explain that only large and adult children can independently maintain order in their things.
  • We charge the child at least three daily household duties.
  • Remember that all this is not at all interesting for him.
  • We show exactly how to act in order to fulfill these household duties.
  • We encourage performance and blame for refusing to perform household duties.
  • Gradually complicate the tasks for the baby in accordance with his growing up.

The most important thing is to follow the sequence in your own actions. In no case it is impossible today to require the child to fulfill certain obligations, and tomorrow forget about the need to fulfill them.

Daily promotion is necessary, as is regular reprimand for non-performance of their duties.

How to teach a child to do homework by themselves

How to develop independence in a child

Of course, everything in a child’s life is interconnected, and the responsibility in doing household chores will also affect his ability to take school duties seriously. And yet, certain nuances are present here. Firstly, a lot depends on the aptitude of the student and his abilities. Secondly, you should always remember about the risk of overloading the child with tasks, and this is fraught with a loss of interest in learning and a decrease in cognitive activity. Therefore, it is important to remember some simple rules:

  • There is a certain time during which the student can work independently, and this time gradually increases. For example, 20-25 minutes is the limit of independent work for a second-grader, in the third grade this time can be increased to 30 minutes, and only in the fourth grade can a child work independently for 45 minutes.
  • It is very important to teach the child to self-check himself. We will have to consistently explain to him that there are dictionaries for checking spelling, and we still need to teach him the rules for checking mathematical calculations.
  • The child must understand his responsibility, he needs to explain that his studies are just as important as the work of his parents, and the main part of his work is homework.

Self-education is impossible without freedom

How to develop independence in a child

It is important to find a middle ground in raising the independence of your child. Constant guardianship and the desire to control every step of a little person is extremely undesirable.

Remember, the development of independence is impossible without giving the child a certain amount of freedom; only then is the process of forming an independent person, able to be responsible for their actions and able to plan their immediate goals and objectives, possible. But another extreme is possible.

There are two things that parents should avoid: the first is to give the child complete freedom, and the second is excessive care and the desire to do everything for him. In the first case, there is a great risk that the student will begin to hide part of his homework and simply stop performing them under the pretext that they simply do not exist. In the second case, the constant monitoring of the educational process will turn the child into an irresponsible creature, executing orders from either teachers or parents.

As soon as one of the types of control weakens, the need to fulfill the stated requirements will disappear: in other words, “it is said, done, but not said, why do it”?

On a silver platter

To begin with - a small comparative test. Remember how old you were in the apartment by yourself? Walked in the yard unattended elders? Did you warm your lunch? What were your housework responsibilities? Have you ever traveled through the whole city to school or to your favorite club? When was the first time you went to another city? Ask yourself the same questions, but relative to your own child. And think about whether you take care of him too much.

“Yes, then there was another time!” - parents will object. That's right! Then the children had to make a lot more effort than today. Want to learn something interesting? Bother to read the book. Do you dream to engage in a group of aircraft modeling? We'll have to go to the Palace of Pioneers.

Do you miss after school? Think of something to do while your parents are at work. Was it 20-30 years ago that such a lot of entertainment, toys, clubs, schools of early development, like now? We would be happy! But the trouble is: children stuffed with information, who are on “you” with any equipment, sometimes are not able to do simple, but vital things: clean up your own room, learn lessons on your own, prepare dinner for your parents to arrive, and finally decide where to go.

“The higher the standard of living, the more benefits are presented to us on a silver platter and the less active the person becomes,” summarizes Elena Stanislavovna. - Now a child of three or five years may have a schedule, like a member of parliament. But no one thinks about the fact that all these decisions are made for him by adults, not leaving him even a chance to show independence! And the baby becomes the sentenced consumer of these services.».

Early childhood, before entering school, is the most favorable period for the awakening of aesthetic and moral feelings. Namely

Allowing to exercise will

But it all starts at a very early age. Already by the year when the tiny man tries to walk, he has a powerful need to perform many actions on his own.

If yesterday he obediently waited for his mother to feed him, today he pulls out a spoon and tries to eat himself. But my mother is in a hurry, and I don’t want to clean up after such a meal, so the spoon is taken away - and “with broth Vova pour broth”. The kid wants to dress himself, but he does not succeed, he is angry, crying, waiting for his mother to teach him - and his mother simply distracts the attention of the toddler and puts it on herself.

Here you have the first step to the development of independence: letting the child do what we want and can do without our help (and that does not threaten his security). We encourage his independent actions with the words: “Good”, “Yes, you, it turns out!”, “I see that you are already big.” We give him the right to participate in adult affairs: sorting out cereal, sweeping, setting the table, shifting vegetables. We point out errors, but do not scold them: “Now the spilled grain should be removed. To wipe the spilled water ". We remember that now the main incentive of the baby is the approval of the elders, because at any cost, he wants to be liked by his mom and dad! By three years, the child begins to form its own "I". Parents complain that the flexible child becomes stubborn, does not want to obey, and if something goes wrong with it, it becomes hysterical. There is one recipe: to be patient. “It’s impossible to indulge all the desires of a child, it’s obvious,” the psychologist instructs. - But the manifestations of the will need to do what the baby wants - give in, agree. Thus, you make it clear to the little man that he is able to influence the situation. Excessive suppression can adversely affect development. However, if you have already said: “No!”, Be consistent and maintain your line to the end. ”

Continue to teach your son or daughter the necessary self-care skills: by the age of three, the baby must wash his hands, eat, dress, clean up the toys. Already at this age, the child can cut the fruit with a knife under the supervision of adults. And now the crumbs should have responsibilities for the house: watering flowers with your help, removing plates from the table, etc. Let this all go in a playful way, an important understanding is fixed in the child's mind: he is a family member and takes part in it of life.

“I folded the Machinery panties and T-shirts into the lowest drawer of the wardrobe, showed her where things lay, In two years, my daughter was already getting dressed.” Irina.

Encourage child activity

The main task of parents of preschool children is to help them break away from their mother and adapt to their peers. From this point of view, attending a kindergarten is a very important step for the formation and development of independence. Some mothers choose another tactic: the child does not go to kindergarten (and is sick less often), but he is engaged in groups of early development. At first glance, very reasonable. However, it is important to pay attention to the fact that professionals work in such establishments.

With questions concerning the upbringing of children, people often turn to priests, especially parish. More often and more persistently parents come with a sting.

The psychologist talks about two negative trends blocking child activity:

  • “The first is supporting pedagogy, not stimulating the development. For example, a 4-year-old girl is led to paint with finger paints. The teacher praises the baby for any action: whatever she portrayed. It causes delight and affection! When such a child comes to school, he will be given a pencil and offered to draw a horse, he is unlikely to cope with the task, and most importantly - he will not receive the usual reaction of an adult delight.
  • The second trend is when in tough training systems (sports, figure skating, dancing, ballet) boys and girls are oriented towards a specific result and are eventually diagnosed as capable or not. Unable children transfer their failures to other spheres of life. ”

Therefore, give the opportunity to act, help, cheer, but do not praise.

“We went to the grandmother in the village, where Dani always had his own garden bed: he planted her dignity, took care of her, and then harvested. So I taught my son that the result will be only where you make an effort. " Anna.

Let us make decisions on our own

This is the most important thing we can teach a child: make a decision and take responsibility for the result. Teens tend to the first, but avoid the second. They are also prone to negativity: “I will not go there!”, “I will not do this!” But you cannot end the conversation on such a note. Let the young rebel offer what he wants and do, and then calmly together discuss the possible consequences of his decision. Sometimes parents probably know that the child has chosen the wrong path. But the little stubborn man insists on his! To break? There is a possibility that with this we will forever discourage the child from making a decision and building his life. The psychologist advises to give in, if it does not threaten security, but to warn: “Prepare yourself that you will have to bear the consequences”.

What prevents the development of independence in the child?

Psychologists identify two types of adult behavior that provoke child immaturity

  1. Hyperacotherapy. “Sit in a chair”, “Look, an airplane is flying there”, “Do not take juice - you spill”, “Hold my hand” - the child has not yet had time to think, and my mother already tells what to do. Or she herself hurries to the rescue - after all, the baby can not cope without it! Such tactics will lead to the fact that the scion will be afraid of the simplest actions - and what if it does not work out? Dirty, fall, mom scold? And there is a great chance that in the future a sissy or daughter will grow out of it.
  2. Indifference. “Do not cry,” “Do not bother me, I am now busy,” “Go and play,” and the child does not have a sense of security, he constantly feels anxiety. “I'd rather sit quietly near my mother, I won’t bother her and fool my head,” the kid decides. Internal fear suppresses its activity. Especially often this happens during family crises. Stay attentive to the needs of your son or daughter!

Summer camp: the right experience

Agree that if your son or daughter does not like it there, you will take him (her) back in 10-14 days. Ideally, the child will go on a first trip with a friend or older brother (sister). Intrigue his upcoming adventure. Look at the site of the camp, read reviews of the guys who have been there, remember your own childhood. Even if you are very worried about the child, do not show it. After all, he "reads" the installation of adults and behaves accordingly. Before you travel, explain and ask them to repeat the safety rules, as well as personal hygiene (do not give others your hair and a comb, wash your hands before eating, etc.).

Oh, what a flour - to bring up!

Infantile children more often grow up in those families where parents either over-care or morally suppress their offspring, leaving them with not only space, but even loopholes for independent actions and decisions.

Late moms and dads, as well as those who have inherited their heirs very hard, are more often distinguished by the hyperer. For example, if a child in early childhood was seriously ill, then his parents and at a later age try to protect the child from any difficulties. Of such children who grew up in greenhouse conditions, in the future, lazy people, mama’s children and social societies who have a panic fear of having to make independent decisions can grow up.

Authoritarian parents who seek to control the lives of their heirs, even in small things, behave with their children as commanders before the ranks. They dictate to them how to act in one way or another, in which circle to study, with whom to be friends. Of course, all this is done for the sake of the child - after all, an adult is more visible from an experience height. But, alas, thanks to such a disservice to children, they either become accustomed to acting solely on orders, or begin to rebel against parental tyranny.

The third type of moms and dads who have dependent offspring is unaccompanied or ever-busy parents, for whom the most important thing is for the child to be clothed, and to engage him in development or reluctance, or there is no time.

Taking help is hard work

To baby felt the taste of independence:

  • Do not interfere with any manifestation of activity on his part (controlling only security). If the child wants to help you make cakes, then it is clear to everyone that from such "help" there are more problems than benefits (then you will have to scour the dough not only from the child, but also from the kitchen). Therefore, many parents refuse such an offer, and the child becomes accustomed to this and no longer wants to help. So it is better not to do so. Well, yes, time and effort will have to spend more, but it will give good shoots in the future. Children who have been granted a lot of freedom (but not permissiveness!) Are more responsible and initiative. Just do not need to redo the work done by the child in his eyes - otherwise he will lose the motivation to help.
  • Teach your child the maximum amount of useful skills.. All that is useful in life. This will make him more self-confident, and at the same time he will develop fine and large motor skills, which is also useful for the work of the brain.
  • Turn household help into a joint game. Making bed or cleaning toys is not very interesting. But if you do this race or for a while, then it is quite another matter. At the next stage, it is already possible to entrust the baby to do something almost independently, with a small participation of an adult. Well, then everything that he can do, let him do it himself.
  • Do not do for the child what he is already able to do himself. By the way, it is important that a child, even a small one, has a list of duties that he must perform daily. Thus, not only independence is formed, but also accuracy and organization.
  • Do not offer your help until the child asks for it.. But if the little dodger constantly groans that he cannot cope without you, try to outwit him. For example, say that you were distracted by urgent matters. Most likely, when you return in 10 minutes, the child will cope without your participation.

Baby, you can handle it!

A child will grow up more responsible and confident if you:

From an early age to give him the right to choose. The ability to choose - the basis for the formation of the ability to independent decisions. But in order to somehow control the situation and not allow the child to choose something harmful or even dangerous, set an alternative to him: will we go for a walk in the park or the stadium? Будем читать сказку или рисовать?

Чаще его хвалить. Удержитесь от критики, если что-то у ребёнка не получается. От этого опускаются руки даже у взрослых. Поэтому хвалите чадо за любые попытки, за старание, отмечайте даже небольшой прогресс.

Больше общаться. Be interested in the child, how he spent his day in the garden or school, what joys or problems he cares about. Do not suggest conclusions, do not slip ready-made solutions, but using prompting questions, make sure that the child finds them himself.

When to start

To instill the ability and desire to do something on their own need from an early age. During this period, babies experience a so-called crisis of three years. It is caused by changes in the perception of the child, his awareness of his own I. Children begin to distance themselves from a significant adult (first of all, mothers), they strive to declare themselves as an independent person, contradict and show negativity, often utter the phrase “I myself / myself!” .

The first signs of this crisis can be considered a start to foster independence. For this, parents will need:

Provide a child to yourself

Give the baby a personal space in which he can act according to his own desires. You can select a corner in the room, organize a mini-house (hut, tent). It is important that children always have personal items (toys, books) that they manage.

Allow yourself to perform tasks

If the child wants to sweep the floor, get a mug or build a lock from the designer, do not hinder it. Yes, it will be his first independent actions. An adult is recommended only to offer, but not to impose his assistance, and at the end of the action constructively evaluate the result.

Give first orders

Do not be afraid to ask your child to bring something or do something: water the flowers from the watering can, take out the garbage, put the book on the shelf, etc.

This does not mean that at the age of three you need to let the child go free swimming, make her do everything herself and deprive her of supervision. An adult should always be there to help if necessary.

Providing freedom of action

First of all, you need to make sure that the child has the opportunity to show independence. This should be expressed in:

  • permission to choose clothes, books, toys, films, etc.,
  • independent planning of free time without the imposition of uninteresting classes for a child, but preferable for an adult,
  • the presence of fixed duties (removal of garbage, cleaning his room, etc.),
  • the freedom to choose the method of action, for example, to go to school by tram and not by bus, wash the plates first, and then the mugs,
  • opportunities to organize personal space at will (things in the child’s room are arranged as he likes, soft toys sit on the bed, posters hang on the walls, etc.),
  • disposal of pocket money.

That is, parental control should be reasonable and leave children free to act.

Planning time and daily routine

For the development of independence are important planning skills and rational distribution of time. If the student knows for sure that only after he has completed his homework, he will be allowed to take a walk or play, then he would be more willing to accept it without additional reminders.

Otherwise, he will lose his time and never get what he wants.

It is unlikely that the child will want to do something on his own and take the initiative if he is not interested in action. Therefore, it is important to stimulate curiosity, to interest him. This will help:

  • personal dedication, parents have a hobby that they are ready to share with their children,
  • cognitive literature in the home: encyclopedias, brochures, collections, specialized books on various topics, etc.,
  • access to other useful resources: documentaries, list of useful sites, library subscription, etc.

In addition, it is important to note the significance of each action. Agree, nobody likes to do work that he considers useless. If it is impossible to cause a natural interest, explain to the child why it is necessary to do daily cleaning, study probability theory and the rules of the Russian language, help the grandmother in the village. Emphasis is on the importance, usefulness, practical application.

At a minimum, the initiative should not be punishable. As a maximum, it should be encouraged.

As a "bonus" you can use a system of bonuses or points that are exchanged for some things or goodies, a gradual increase in pocket money (for example, 20 rubles for reading a school book on your own initiative), allowing you to walk longer or play a video game, hike in an interesting place, temporary release from household duties.


The following very simple exercises also help to develop independence:

Search for a new route

Rules of the game: every day you need to get to school in a new way. The child must invent this route without prompting from the parents. In the evening it is discussed, the results are summarized. It is possible to exercise in this way with the whole family (for example, for adults searching for a new route to work) so that the children feel the passion of the parents.

“Tell me what you plan to do tomorrow”

A few nights in a row ask the student this question and listen carefully to the answer. Especially celebrate manifestations of independence and approve them.

“Where will you use it?”

For this exercise, you will need an item with which the child is not yet familiar. For example, a specialized tool, car detail. Task: to find an application and tell about it. If there are several children in a family, then it is possible to arrange a competition, who will find more correct use options. This game pushes the child to search for information and solve problems on his own.

Self-reliance is a wonderful quality that every parent wants to see in her baby. Of course, you need to make great efforts in order to develop independence in the child, the ability to make informed decisions and be responsible for the consequences of their actions. Yes, it is possible that the process of forming new or developing already existing qualities will take more than one day. However, remember that in the long run this will bear fruit and a real result.

The author of the article: Ksenia Mikheeva - a psychologist, a teacher of Unium in biology.